Neoprene is not the most forgiving of fabrics...

Creature of the Deep Terror (the Unknown Fish Phobia) -

 Rationally, I know that 99.999999999% of all creatures in the ocean have no intention (or appetite) to eat a human. We are too big, too bony and we tend to fight back when chewed. For some reason, however, my Creature of the Deep Terror tends to increase the moment visibility decreases. The minute I can no longer see clearly (say during a night dive or when the diver in front of me kicks up silt) I start to envision unknown sea creatures stalking me from the shadows, just waiting to use their teeth, tentacles or other persuasive parts to turn me into dinner. This phobia seems to be shared by many, as according to Jacques Cousteau: “Man, of all the animals, is probably the only one to regard himself as a great delicacy.”

Fear  of the Numismatic Museum – Many of the most pristine and prolific dive spots on the planet are located in very remote locations. When planning a dive trip to an out-of-the-way place, I have a recurring fear that my destination will be devoid of topside activities. This is not to say that I spend much time topside on scuba trips, but it is nice to have dry options for when the sea is too choppy or I need to get back on a plane within 24 hours. The Numismatic Museum is not the place where people with breathing problems go to study ancient inhalers, as I originally thought. The term ‘numismatic’ means the study or collection of currency. This extravaganza, located in Aruba, houses 30,000 historic coins from around the world. In an effort to protect these coins without using a vault the Arubans put the most boring name they could think of on the museum to deter any shred of interest or excitement about the place or its contents. I hear the name is working so well they are able to leave the doors unlocked at night. Places like this fuel my fear of topside boredom.

Creature of the Reef Terror (Known Fish Phobia) – There are certain reef dwellers that give me the willies. Unlike the Unknown Fish Phobia, I know exactly what these creatures are and where I can find them. Sea snakes freak me out, as do free-swimming eels (but for some unknown reason eels that are thoroughly parked inside a burrow are fine. Go figure.) Sea urchins make me uncomfortable, perhaps because they reflect my topside fear of needles. I also find highly-poisonous scorpionfish to be creepy, usually because I never seem to spot them until a divemaster merrily points them out. Just for the record, however, I want to point out that large animals, like sharks, rays and whales do not fall into this category. If any of these creatures are reading this post, I want them to know they are not scary and are welcome to join me on any dive.

Fear of Neoprene – My concern falls into two categories: not having my wetsuit on me and having my wetsuit on me. First, similar to chocolate and my big brown dog, I need a wetsuit. Without it, no matter how similar the ocean temperature is to bath water, I get cold and enter a shivering state faster than an octopus can strip a tasty clam. In a last ditch effort to warm up, I sometimes swim back and forth like a crazed tuna, a maneuver that has gotten me “rescued” several times by divemasters thinking I was out of my gourd. Which brings me to my second category of concern: the suits are, by design, tighter than NYC rush hour traffic. They usually have a zipper, put there like bait to lure the diver into thinking they actually have a chance at getting into the suit. I have heard that powder can sometimes enable the process, but no amount of talc could help me win this battle of The Bulge.

Back Roll Dread – A backroll is a highly efficient maneuver to get all divers into the water at once, thus addressing problematic currents or the lack of boat mooring facilities. As I stare out over the horizon, the water looks so very inviting. But once I turn around to face the center of the boat in anticipation of executing the backroll, the inspiration is replaced by panic as I imagine some great sub-aquatic drain plug being pulled, removing all water from the area. As the water recedes, I envision falling to the rocky bottom far below (don’t ask me what the boat is then floating on; my fear never really plays itself out that far) or landing in the jaws of some waiting predator that has been exposed. But then “splash,” I’m in, and the ridiculous phobia fades away as I acclimatize to the beautiful blue around me. I may have some irrational scuba phobias, but fortunately they never seem to last too long.

ADOS Buddy – Attention Deficit…Ooooh Shiny.  ADOS Buddy can’t seem to focus on anything for more than a second, making task completion and stimulating conversation impossible.  You are the last pair to descend because he forgot his weight belt and has to climb back on the boat to get it.  Underwater, curious things continuously pull his attention and his body in the polar opposite direction from you and the rest of the dive group.  Before the boat pulls back to the dock he will ask you at least four times “What was the name of that reef that we just visited?”  It is okay if you lose your temper with him – he won’t remember you tomorrow.

Scuba Steve Buddy – Scuba Steve knows it all (just look at the endless list of ScubaSteve Twitter sites).  What starts out as some interesting ocean factoids on your ride to the reef quickly turns into an overwhelming dissertation about the mating habits of the humuhumunukunukuapuaa fish.  He corrects the divemaster during the dive briefing, and wants to point out to you every bit of obscure fish sh*t he encounters during the dive.  Note: you can usually tell Scuba Steve Buddy before he even opens his mouth: he’s the one with the enormous trapper-keeper dive log and seven sharpened pencils for recording the details.

I Love Scuba Buddy – This man is moved by the scuba spirit.  You can appreciate his enthusiasm, but your hand starts to sting from all the high-5’s he keeps giving you.  He claps at the end of the dive briefing.  Fascinating underwater finds like seaweed and sand cause him to grab your arm and gesticulate excitedly.  Warning: this man will whoop with joy and celebration the moment he breaks the surface at the end of the dive.  Do not be alarmed – this is normal behavior for I Love Scuba Buddy, and not nitrogen narcosis.

Clueless Buddy – Has this person ever gone diving before?  Clueless Buddy has no idea how to set up their gear, how to function on a dive boat, and even looks like he put on his swimsuit backwards.  His weight belt is on the bench seat, he washed his soapy mask in the camera bucket, and he is gazing off into the sunset while a whole line of divers waits behind him to giant stride off the swim platform.  Underwater, his hand gestures look like Kabuki Theater and he wants to fondle every living thing in the sea.  Fortunately, the fire coral teaches him a lesson before you have to.

The Scuba Shuffle is an aquatic conga of sorts, but without the maracas.  The divers, who had plenty of time to suit up, all stood up at once due to some lemming-like intuition that drives divers’ behavior.  Invariably the wind picked up at that moment and the boat began to sway.  Queue the tin-pan music and the bongos.  While invaluable underwater, fins are the least graceful piece of sports equipment one can possess on land.  A diver can’t simply walk to the back of the boat and jump off, he or she must do a duck-like shuffle and flap, complete with the corresponding shrrrr-whup shurrr-whup sound.  Like me, the others in the conga line were leaning forward to avoid falling backwards from the gear weight, but appearing as if we all found something fascinating on the rear of the person in front of us.  Shuffle flap, shrrr-whup.

The boat continued to roll in the waves, picking up momentum as I shuffled past the more challenging boat features like the swinging wetsuit locker and the oblivious snorkelers with arms shooting in all directions at once.  Snorkelers are generally not welcome on dive boats because they always seem to be in the right place to create the maximum hindrance to divers transporting and preparing gear. Much to our dismay, almost half of the tourists on the boat were snorkelers.  We would consider using a different company the rest of trip. 

Rather than jumping in, a logjam of divers formed at the back of the boat due to various forgotten pieces of equipment and irrational fish phobias.  Like salmon in a swift current, the divers creating the jam could not get back upstream until the rest of the conga line passed. Shuffle flap, shrrr-whup.  Finally, it was my turn at the back of the boat.  I put my air regulator in my mouth, held my mask, and took a giant stride into the sapphire blue ocean.  Unfortunately, my over-excitement caused an extra spring in my big step, thus loosening my right fin, which went swirling into the depths unattended.  I can only imagine the fish thoughts below as they watched it sink to the bottom: “Oh look!  Decorations for the calypso party!”  One of the staff on the boat handed me down an extra fin and off I went into the blue.

Ohhh...shiny

If a tree falls in the woods, but no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?  If a person dreams up a gynormous yacht, but never builds it, do they get to claim they now have the biggest boat?  Belgium-based Emocean Yacht Design recently unveiled plans for an extravagant new mega yacht, tentatively called Project 1000, that — if built — would be the world’s largest vessel of its type. The key being “if built” of course.  The yacht would be a ridiculous 656 feet, and cost in the absurd range of $500 million to $900 million to build.  That means if you won both the PowerBall and Big Game lotteries, you still couldn’t afford this behemouth. 

Of course, for all of that cash you do get some sweet perks.  For one, the ship does look sexy as heck.  In addition to good looks, the design includes a 100-foot swimming pool, health spa, nightclub, casino, a dual-level cinema, drive-in garage, two 98-foot day boats and a helipad with a hanger.  You can bring 44 of your best dive buddies with you wherever you go and also include 70 crew members, so you’ll never sail alone, or have to lift a finger while onboard.

So, Emocean did get quite a bit of press for their announcement, but the reality is that no one has jumped up to order this luxury good yet.  Even when (if) they do, the company says it will take another 4 years from the date of order until completion.  Perhaps by then they will figure out how to squeeze in a dive shop onboard.

Where can I find these things?  The majority of abalone species are found in cold waters, off the Southern Hemisphere coasts of New Zealand, South Africa and Australia, and Western North America and Japan in the Northern Hemisphere.  Due to dwindling natural supply of abalone and increasing demand, some countries have begun farming the critters, including China, Taiwan, Japan,  Australia, Chile, Iceland, Ireland, Mexico, New Zealand, South Africa, Thailand, and the United States.  Abalone are mostly taken in depths from a few inches up to 10 m (33 ft.)  Abalone are normally found on rocks near food sources like kelp. Divers commonly dive out of boats, kayaks, tube floats or directly off the shore.

How do I dive for abalone?  It turns out that scuba diving for abalone is illegal in most parts of the world.  Instead you have to freedive for them, which makes sense since they are usually pretty shallow.  An abalone diver sports the usual gear like a thick wetsuit, booties, gloves, mask, snorkel, and a weight belt.  You also need an abalone iron which is used to pry the mollusk off the rock it is so fond of, and an abalone gauge to make sure the size is large enough to take legally.

This is a good time to mention the insanely stringent regulations surrounding the recreational hunting of abalone due to their severely threatened populations.  In addition to the aforementioned no scuba rules, there are limits to the number taken, the size taken and the time of year the tasties are collected.  These vary by country and even by city, with strict penalties for non-compliance.  Some places like California have law enforcement professionals dedicated to catching abalone thieves not following the rules (where did those taxpayer dollars go?)  So before you go setting your mind to hunting abalone, you should check the local regulations.

I found one!  Now what do I do with it? Abalone are basically sea snails, conceptually similar to conch.  You can serve it raw like sushi, or steam it, saute it, boil it, bake it, or even serve it like a “steak.”  Winning cook-off recipes have made it into cakes (like a crab cake, not chocolate, thanks), battered it in beer and even mixed it into tomato sauce over pasta.  The key appears to be cleaning the fresh mollusk correctly, removing the lip, tough foot and guts.  A thorough pounding of the meat with a heavy mallet also seems to contribute to a tasty outcome.

So although I can’t put my scuba skills to work, it does seem like hunting for the great abalone is an interesting proposition.  Although I’m not crazy about continuing to deplete the population of this animal which has been so highly regarded for so very long, I do like the idea of celebrating its existence in so many tasty ways.  Perhaps I’ll stick to the farmed version and dive for something else instead.

• Pack your own snacks to combat unfortunate dive boat food– They are dive operators, after all, not caterers.  But, even knowing this I am still sometimes astounded at the proffered surface interval nibbles.  Melted cheese plates (we call that fondue), fruit cut with extraordinarily rusty knives and even chicken dropped not once, but three times on the boat deck before being served have made me a careful snack planner when it comes time to pack my gear for a trip.  My granola bars may be flat from their long journey, but they are infinitely better than the dive boat cookies that expired before Y2K.
• Dive boat-assigned buddies can make you want to take up knitting instead – Try as hard as you can to bring your own dive buddy; drag them kicking and screaming if you must.  Everyone on a dive boat must have a buddy, and the divemaster will pair you up with another “single” diver to accommodate this safety requirement. There is most likely a good reason that person is a “single” diver.  Reasons may include (but are not limited to): they like to swim in every direction except the one the group is moving, they feel obligated to point out every grain of sand to you during the dive, they have never actually gone diving before (they thought they were signing up for a glass bottom boat tour.)  Buy your spouse scuba lessons for Christmas if necessary.
• Be prepared with extra bits – For some reason, most dive equipment is depressed and wants to end it all by jumping off the boat.  Some may even wait until you are in the water before floating off into the great beyond.  Unless a piece of gear is taped, stapled or glued to you, it will more than likely be lost during some point of your dive career.  If an item is really important to your dive comfort or security, then always carry an extra one.  And, if you happen to see my lens cap in the bottom of your dive boat in the Seychelles, please pick it up and send it back to me.  I promise I will reimburse you for the postage.
• Let your dive interests be known – Dive operators generally want to make you happy.  You will tip the staff nicely and say good things about the company if you have an enjoyable dive.  So, if you really want to dive a certain wreck or spot a specific indigenous sea creature, mention it to the divemaster.  (And do so before the boat picks a site, drops anchor, and pushes half the divers off the back!) Don’t pout if it isn’t possible and be cognizant that the other divers on the boat may have conflicting interests, but hey, it’s worth mentioning.  Otherwise, the dive company may take you to the same old spot they always dive because no one seems to care about the destination.  (Can I tell you how many times I have dived the Oro Verde wreck in Cayman?!!)
• The non-divers in the world just don’t understand – There are two types of people in the world: divers and the rest who are unenlightened.  There are many people who will never understand why you would want to dive, thinking it too dangerous, too costly or too Darwinian.  But never fear, their hesitancy to try the sport only means one thing: more room on the dive boat for the rest of us!

Recently I was scanning the scuba catalogs for “Christmas Wish List” items and came across several pieces of “gear” of dubious purpose. Though they may look appealing on a glossy page, these trinkets are destined to be abandoned under a boat’s bench seat sometime in the future by a frustrated diver with a lighter wallet. Links to these actual products have been provided for your enjoyment.

Scuba Lobster Inn (W/Zipper) – “The most popular collection bag for lobstering.” Lobsters check in, but they can’t check out. When you are ready to eat, just unzip and boil. Comes in your choice of 4 colors, none of which you can see underwater.

Cold Water Mittens – 7mm neoprene mitts by Edge with velcro/elastic wrist closures. Warm, but not terribly useful if you need to use any fingers underwater. Plus, your little kid mittens will most likely draw the ridicule of fellow divers. Topside activities with this gear include making snowmen.

Aqua Maracas – “Shake things up next time your down! This lightweight, compact, underwater signaling device is audible over 30 feet away.” It’s a perfect complement to your Scuba Samba and guaranteed to frighten all the fish.

“Dive Naked” License Plate – Conceptually I like the idea, but in practice I would think there might be some chaffing associated with this activity. What I know for sure is that NO ONE at my place of employment needs to see me pull into the parking lot with this on my car.

5-Page Wrist Dive Slate (w/free extra pencil!) – For those who are inspired to write an entire novel while underwater or carry on a lengthy conversation on existentialism with their dive buddy.  Or perhaps it is meant to capture a checklist of scuba steps: Step 1 – Inhale, Step 2- Exhale, Step 3- Inhale…People who bought this gift should have also bought the Guide to Underwater Hand Signals.

The Shark Shield – “The Shark Shield incorporates two electrodes, which project the field from the unit and thus create an invisible protective shield that surrounds the user…” Sort of like one of those canine electric fences, but for sea life. Order in the next ten minutes and we’ll include a free can of Turtle Repellent. One question: if it is invisible, how do you know its working?

Sean Connery, Thunderball – 1960’s James Bond heads to The Bahamas to recover two nuclear warheads.  This film is chock full of kitschy scuba diving content including archaic dive gear and shots of sharks that were probably somebody’s pet.  If you want to live out your Bond fantasies, you can still dive the Thunderball wreck in the Bahamas.

Hank Azaria, Along Came Polly - This movie was awful, except for a entertaining guest appearance by Hank Azaria as Claude, the smarmy French scuba diving teacher (you can shut it off after his scene is over.)   If you have ever dove in a French-influenced place such as French Polynesia you can relate to the speedo-wearing, galoise-smoking, soap-deficient French divemasters out there who pray to the God Cousteau before they go to bed each night.

Jessica Alba, Into the Blue – Lots of diving, lots of skimpy bathing suits.  Scuba sex still sells.

Owen Wilson & Bill Murray, Life Aquatic – This is an odd movie: either you love it or you hate it (we here at scuba-dive.org love it’s quirky, offbeat style.)  It’s underwater-themed plot enables plenty of diving scenes and sea life shots.  Wilson and Murray aren’t exactly sx symbols with scuba gear, but they hold their own.

Woody Harleson, After The Sunset – Jewel theft, the Bahamas, and lots of diving.  What more could you want?  Brings new meaning to Paradise Island.

Pierce Brosnan, Tomorrow Never Dies– 1990’s James Bond throws on the scuba gear yet again.  This time the plot, surprising, includes: bad guys, women, nuclear warheads, women, and extortion.  This gear is much more high-tech then last time, and is used more to compliment the plot rather than carry it along.  To her credit Michelle Yeoh, the headstrong female lead, doesn’t just flop around helplessly in her gear. Rather, she makes diving look easy.

CubaGooding Jr, Men of Honor– Gooding plays Carl Brashear, the first African American US Navy Diver.  The movie is intense, but you get enough insight into the origins of dive gear to really appreciate the gear you use now, no matter how many times your mask floods.

Sponge Bob, Square Pants – Don’t hate us for throwing this in.  He lives under the Pacific Ocean in the town of “Bikini Bottom” for clam’s sake.  He has to use scuba gear at some point.  Did you know this is the most watched cable television show right now?  Think of all of the kids (and, sadly adults) that think starfish talk. 

Highlights of Underwater Communication
Signal: one hand, fist clenched, thumb pointing up
Meaning:  I want to surface now because I am: tired, hungry, low on air, bored, needing a margarita, or I just don’t like diving with you anymore.

Signal:  hand held flat, palm down, making a sawing motion across the neck
Meaning:  I’m out of air.  Unless I sprout gills I’ll be dead soon.

Signal: hand held flat, fingers pointing up on the top of the head like a shark fin
Meaning:  A shark fin.  Rest of shark attached.  Swim fast.

Signal: hand held flat, palm touching mouth
Meaning: I am low on air.  I am about to rip your air regulator out of your mouth so I can use it.  Or, you can pass it to me.  Your choice.

Signal:  index and middle finger touching the mask, then pointing outwards at an object
Meaning:  There is something very interesting that you must see.  Ha, ha, I saw it first.

Divers across the globe lament time and time again as they pack up their gear to return home at the end of their dive trips. Actually, many jobs involve scuba beyond the obvious occupations: dive shop owner (too costly), dive instructor (too many mask flood drills), and dive master (too many foolish people in the sea).  A few positions to consider:

Federal stimulus dollar recipient – An opportunity to recoup the tax dollars you “donated” to the economy! The Northwest Marine Conservation Initiative received $4.6 million in stimulus funds to recover most of the nets on the bottom of Puget Sound, and is using the funds to hire divers to remove the ensnaring debris. Make money, scuba dive and save the environment, all at the same time. Next you can conquer world hunger…

“Whatever you do, don’t push the red button” Tester – Thousands of new scuba gear products come out each year (hopefully) well tested by their manufacturer. Become a product tester and reap the rewards of free scuba stuff! Note: demand actual currency compensation for any product testing that involves neon neoprene or gear that combusts upon incorrect button selection.

Aquarium Marriage Proposal Delivery Person – You know those viral YouTube videos shot in aquariums where a scuba diver swims up to a couple at the tank window with a “Will you marry me?” sign? Yes, that can be you (holding the sign I mean, I can’t guarantee someone wants to marry you). Other scuba responsibilities include cleaning the fake rock and avoiding being eaten by the agitated hammerhead recently introduced to the tank.

GI Joe/Jane Diver – Fulfill your James Bond fantasies (tux and martinis not included) by doing underwater surveillance for the military. Job may include the opportunity to use the latest in scuba technology (fun) and the opportunity to clear mines (not so fun). Combine your hobbies for a blast of excitement!