Scuba Dive

‘Tis the season for gift giving, a time when many people stress out about purchasing the perfect present for their special someone. My family has caught on that I have a scuba affinity and so most of my gifts are ocean-themed (I get Dramamine in my stocking every year.)

Recently I was scanning the scuba catalogs for “Christmas Wish List” items and came across several pieces of “gear” of dubious purpose. Though they may look appealing on a glossy page, these trinkets are destined to be abandoned under a boat’s bench seat sometime in the future by a frustrated diver with a lighter wallet. Links to these actual products have been provided for your enjoyment.

Scuba Lobster Inn (W/Zipper) – “The most popular collection bag for lobstering.” Lobsters check in, but they can’t check out. When you are ready to eat, just unzip and boil. Comes in your choice of 4 colors, none of which you can see underwater.

Cold Water Mittens – 7mm neoprene mitts by Edge with velcro/elastic wrist closures. Warm, but not terribly useful if you need to use any fingers underwater. Plus, your little kid mittens will most likely draw the ridicule of fellow divers. Topside activities with this gear include making snowmen.

Aqua Maracas – “Shake things up next time your down! This lightweight, compact, underwater signaling device is audible over 30 feet away.” It’s a perfect complement to your Scuba Samba and guaranteed to frighten all the fish.

“Dive Naked” License Plate – Conceptually I like the idea, but in practice I would think there might be some chaffing associated with this activity. What I know for sure is that NO ONE at my place of employment needs to see me pull into the parking lot with this on my car.

5-Page Wrist Dive Slate (w/free extra pencil!) – For those who are inspired to write an entire novel while underwater or carry on a lengthy conversation on existentialism with their dive buddy.  Or perhaps it is meant to capture a checklist of scuba steps: Step 1 – Inhale, Step 2- Exhale, Step 3- Inhale…People who bought this gift should have also bought the Guide to Underwater Hand Signals.

The Shark Shield – “The Shark Shield incorporates two electrodes, which project the field from the unit and thus create an invisible protective shield that surrounds the user…” Sort of like one of those canine electric fences, but for sea life. Order in the next ten minutes and we’ll include a free can of Turtle Repellent. One question: if it is invisible, how do you know its working?